When Wei Zhiyuan left Old Bear's place, it was already early morning.
He looked for the bus stop along the silent, deserted highway, the sparse street lights dragged his shadow long, a gust of wind blew away the light clouds, revealing the starry sky, the vastness of the universe at a glance, seemingly more silent on earth.
Because the temple as a tourist attraction, after 4:30 p.m. will no longer sell tickets, reception time is limited, so in order to save resources, every day after 5:30 p.m., the last few buses to the city of the interval is forty-five minutes a trip.
In the lonely bus station, Wei Zhiyuan is the only one leaning against the pillar of the station, waiting for the bus with his head down.
Perhaps some places are indeed suitable for thinking, such as the prison to Wey's Riemann Conjecture and the Great Bodhi Tree to Sakyamuni's Buddha. In Old Bear's tiny Zen garden, Wei Zhiyuan's inner pain, entanglement and occasional malevolent resentment all ebbed and flowed before settling down slowly.
At first, Wei Zhiyuan could not restrain himself from thinking of Wei Qian countless times, that was the person he thought about day and night, he even felt that he could describe every strand of Wei Qian's hair.
Wei Zhiyuan didn't repress it, he let loose his desire to desecrate the man at his own whim, for it was likely that he would soon not even have the power to think about it.
However, as the sun sank in the west and the muggy heat subsided, the smell of sandalwood penetrated through the cracks of the ancient wooden shelves, and his intense emotions rose and fell several times before finally quieting down in exhaustion, and somehow Wei Zhiyuan suddenly remembered the man who had died in the cold storage room.
For many years, Wei Zhiyuan has never repented, never considered himself to be the least bit at fault, and even more so, after the incident has subsided, he seldom remembers it.
Now, it is difficult for him to recall the image of that person, only the feelings at that time are still clearly imprinted in his heart. Wei Zhiyuan still remembers, after knowing that Wei Qian may never come back, he came back from the old bear's pharmacy alone, the cold handlebar that he encountered when he supported the car on one side and slumped down, and the vague rusty smell on it.
Why did you kill that man?
Hate?
No ...... it didn't come to that, after all the man was just a coward and didn't do him any substantial harm.
Is that for justice?
Of course it was even more unlikely - Wei Zhiyuan felt that if he had that in his heart, the first person he would take out would be himself.
His mental world is closed, selfish and cold and paranoid, perhaps in a moment of good mood, out of a show of hands to carry the little boy he met in the alley to his car, which is already the limit.
Would he really have made it that far if something hadn't happened to his brother at the time?
Meditative thoughts took him back to the summer of his thirteenth year, and as the minute memories replayed, a certain familiarity came flooding back, and Wei Zhiyuan suddenly understood all at once--that was the nightmare that had haunted him for more than twenty years, the feeling of powerlessness that was so deep that it reached into his bones and blood.
All he did was compensate for the powerlessness of his early childhood, and that made him become at times scheming and calculating, even to the point of murder.
But those things are like a black hole with an open mouth that only gets deeper and deeper, and even if he ends up a serial killer, he'll never be able to mend his heart.
Well, that hopeless crush then became his new spiritual pillar, looking back, Wei Zhiyuan can for the big brother countless times knocked on the door of countless individuals, but only this time, to him to pick out everything, was shattered the last trace of fantasy, that pillar collapsed.
Since ancient times, there is a road on Mount Hua, and he is walking on this narrower and narrower road, dying without stopping, dying without turning back, even if there is a cliff in front of him, he will go all the way down until he falls to pieces.
...... As if that would give him the comfort of saying that he was a strong man.
Just then, a piece of headlights hit over, Wei Zhiyuan thought it was a bus coming, but when he looked up, he saw Wei Qian's car.
He opened his mouth, unsure of what to say, and the rigidity of his movements like a puppet on strings made him look a little constrained.
Wei Qian pulled down the window and gave him a "get in" gesture.
Wei Zhiyuan hesitated for a moment and sat in the passenger side, inclined his head to look at Wei Qian's cold side face and asked tentatively, "Did Brother Xiong inform you?"
Wei Qian responded briefly, "Uh-huh."
And then nothing more.
He didn't want to talk, Wei Zhiyuan could tell.
He was willing to drive halfway across town in the middle of the night to pick himself up, but he wouldn't say more than a few words to himself.
Wei Zhiyuan leaned against the back of the seat, week after week the feeling of powerlessness spread over his whole body, he thought, what the hell am I going to do?
The next day, Wei Qian didn't go to the company and drove Wei Zhiyuan to the airport.
Wei Qian carried a suitcase for him and sent Wei Zhiyuan to the customs port in silence all the way, put the suitcase upright on the ground and put it away, rarely looked at Wei Zhiyuan squarely and said to him, "Let's go."
After saying that, it was as if he was getting rid of a heavy burden, turning around and walking away, seemingly not even bothering to take a second look.
Wei Zhiyuan grabbed his arm.
"Brother, can ...... you give me a hug?"
Wei Qian lowered his eyes, his gaze falling on the near-spasmodic hand that was pinching his arm, then he slowly reached out and peeled Wei Zhiyuan's hand down, and just turned around and walked away without saying a word.
He was so hard-hearted that whenever he refused, there wasn't even a hint of turning back.
When Wei Zhiyuan walked through the customs alone, he seemed to feel that the entire gate of the country was closed behind him, and the unspeakable loneliness reflected off the light-reflective floor tiles, stinging his eyes.
But he didn't know that Wei Qian hadn't actually gone far.
Wei Qian wandered outside the waiting hall alone for a while, smoked a cigarette, then retraced his steps back, found a fast food restaurant to sit in, ordered a drink, and kept looking at his watch, waiting for Wei Zhiyuan's flight to take off smoothly.
When he was alone, the cold expression finally cracked open.
In Wei Qian's impression, Wei Zhiyuan will always be the little cub with thin arms and legs that would rustle into his arms, and when he closes his eyes, he can recall the way the little thing lost his first tooth and cried and begged himself to sell him.
Wei Qian had even attended a few of Wei Zhiyuan's parent-teacher conferences, which was a good job because all one had to do was to sit squarely in his seat and play deep and wait for the teacher to praise him, never having to be ready to be counted on at any time like when he was Xiao Bao's parent.
What a great kid.
But what is this situation now? Wei Qian didn't know how he should face Wei Zhiyuan, and had always been able to only be indifferent to each other.
He also knows that this kind of treatment is inappropriate, Wei Zhiyuan grew up to be such a sensitive child, every time he frowned only gently, the child will always be the first time to be silenced up, no matter who's the reason, Wei Zhiyuan will first be careful to self-reflection.
Wei Qian could imagine how much he was hurting people's hearts like this, but what else could he do?
The airport was crowded with people dragging suitcases to and from the airport in a hurry, and the fast-food restaurant played a certain foreign song accompanied by a guitar, like a parting that no one knew was coming.
That little brat ...... just walked away.
Wei Qian sighed, pushed away his empty drink cup and stood up to leave.
Bao got into an art school in the south and went to live there, and now, Yuan is gone too.
Next door, Asako's mom's house was always empty, and he regularly asked someone to clean it, as if she would ever come back. And Three Fatty and Lin Qing got married and moved out from their parents' place.
His home, his neighborhood, seemed empty.
Many years ago, Wei Qian and the three fat people put together a number of savings and compensation to buy a house, with their own forever out of the shantytown excitement, move into a new home when the scene is still vivid.
Today ......
Wei Qian shook his head hard and forced himself to stop thinking. If he would also be sad and miserable, he would have long since run out of time to do anything else.
In the blink of an eye, Wei Zhiyuan has been gone for half a year.
Wei Zhiyuan quickly adapted to life abroad - he can adapt to any life very quickly.
He's on it every day.
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Reading in sections 61
Classes, doing papers, going to the library, having wooden Buddha beads wrapped around my wrist, and going to church regularly.
Like Old Bear, he doesn't believe in the gods of the East or the West, and he doesn't even want to find salvation in them; he just wants to find a place where he can settle down and face himself quietly.
Wei Zhiyuan always remembers that when he was leaving, the old bear sent him a sentence: "All mortals love and hate greed and anger, but it's just a matter of thought."
Thousands of people, in fact, is just each choose to amplify and repress different thoughts, put down the ridiculous self-esteem and arrogance, peel back the skin and flesh, to hide the dirt of their own research, there is a sword that can penetrate the world.
Wei Zhiyuan will regularly call the home landline at regular intervals, wanting to hear the voice of that person, he did not dare to call Wei Qian's cell phone for fear of disturbing Wei Qian's work.
However, if Xiaobao didn't come home on vacation, the home phone was basically unanswered. Wei Zhiyuan didn't know if Wei Qian had heard the caller ID and deliberately avoided himself, or if he was too busy to return home.
...... Oh, by the way, there was a time when Wei Qian picked up.
Wei Zhiyuan had not yet had time to make a sound, he heard the other side of the ocean there came a sound of something falling to the ground, clattering for a while, and then there seems to be a heavy object smashed on the ground, and then he "fed" several times, and then there is no movement.
Wei Zhiyuan didn't dare to hang up, he guessed that Wei Qian most likely touched the phone off, hung up and then couldn't call in again. He hurriedly changed the phone and called Wei Qian's cell phone, but still no one answered.
Xiaobao was too far away and as far away as he was whipped, and in the end, Wei Zhiyuan had to find Sanfat.
He hung up the headset on the phone for more than an hour, only to wait until the three fat rushed to his home, picked up the phone at his home: "Brother, still ah? It's okay, your brother just drank too much, when he answered the phone, he tripped over the phone line, he didn't get up, sleep and get up, don't worry about it."
Is this all right?
What kind of life is he having over there?
Wei Zhiyuan hated to immediately book a flight back, but then thought, go back he can not do anything, his brother may not even bother to care about him, let alone let himself on his life to tell him what to do.
Until New Year's Eve - Chinese New Year in the lunar calendar.
Wei Zhiyuan and the domestic time difference of thirteen hours, he pinpointed the time, in the New Year's bells ringing half an hour before dialing the home phone, this time, out of his expectation, only rang a sound, the other party answered, familiar voice from the phone side flowed: "Xiao Yuan it?"
Wei Zhiyuan thought he had already prepared himself mentally, but he was still routed by these three simple words, and it was almost difficult to help himself.
He didn't know how long it had been since he'd heard his big brother speak to him so calmly.
Wei Qian talked to him for a while that day, like when he was a child, patiently listening to how he lived over there, what he learned in school, whether he made any new friends, until the conversation was interrupted by the sound of firecrackers like the world war on Wei Qian's side.
Wei Qian glanced down at his watch - his watch had long ago been replaced with a dual time zone model, which always showed the time in another time zone.
He said, "It's almost lunch, isn't it? It's New Year's Day, so you find a place with lots of Chinese people and eat something nice."
Wei Zhiyuan was shaken by the noisy background sound and couldn't hear too well, "What did you say, brother?"
Wei Qian laughed to himself and raised his voice to say loudly over there, "It's nothing, have a good day at school, I can't hear you, I'm hanging up."
There were no lights on in the living room, nor was the TV on, Wei Qian was just sitting on the sofa, seemingly just waiting for a call from someone.
When the family have their own room, live a little more comfortable and deliberately bought a large house is scary empty - Xiaobao because of the dancing specialty, was picked by a movie crew, the Spring Festival also did not come back, Wei Qian did not tell her, in fact, that film himself also invested in the funding.
Wei Qian put down the phone and pressed his not very comfortable stomach, intending to cook himself a bowl of millet porridge on New Year's Eve.
After the old bear left, Wei Qian became the company's legitimate core, just one or two years, the company in his hands expanded several times, private enterprises are not easy to survive, hundreds of employees follow him, every time he has to personally face the frontier, racking his brains to dredge up all kinds of relations, he is always on the road, there is always endless entertainment, often more than a pound of white wine poured down.
Wei Qian does not know he so play life can still play a few years, but the years are not forgiving, with age, he is finally no longer that was a punch in the stomach, rest for two days can also be alive and well as a teenager, tobacco, alcohol and labor is little by little emptied his body, Wei Qian can feel the process.
Just into the winter, there was a time when Wei Qian drank too much to go home, just entered the door in a daze, heard Wei Zhiyuan's phone, he heard the transatlantic phone, immediately rushed to pick up, which was accidentally tripped.
At that time he directly on the ground unconscious, wait until the three fat hurried over, only finally dragged him to the bed, who knows that later just because of this little cold, actually once again triggered his pneumonia.
But the three fat people were so worried that the way they looked at him almost made Wei Qian feel that he was already dying.
Wei Qian contacted Feng Ning a couple of times, but in the end, it didn't work out. Feng Ning likes the kind of man who is "superficially indifferent, but inwardly deep friendship", rather than Wei Qian's "superficially polite, but inwardly dispensable" type.
Later, three fat and introduced him to several girls, like Wei Qian's girl quite a lot, but which is particularly shallow, for the sake of money, full of fantasies do not live and so on those unreliable, were professional matchmaker three fat filtered out, he carefully selected, looking for are willing to live well, really like Wei Qian this person's good girl.
But this kind of good girl who doesn't seek money or is not very vain, mostly seeks pure and beautiful love, which one is willing to put up with a man's task-like coping with himself?
Finally, Wei Qian still got used to the days when he was alone.
He himself is nothing, three fat every time he saw him are sad face, as if this matchmaker when not professional, how sorry brother, and then three fat also voluntarily became his professional blocking the wine household, before is a person down, this time often two people down together, other is nothing, just make Lin Qing very opinionated.
Just as Wei Qian was setting the porridge pot on the stove, the door slammed, and before he had time to turn around, he heard Xiao Bao's staggering voice: "Aigoo, tripping over my head, brother are you home? Why don't you turn on the light?"
Wei Qian was almost a bit incredulous, "Why did you come back?"
"I couldn't let you spend New Year's alone, so I took a half-day vacation and flew back, I'll leave at four tomorrow morning, and I'll catch a flight after six, so I'll rush back." Song Xiaobao jumped up and ran into the kitchen, "What are you going to make for dinner? Ouch ancestor! You're not going to drink this, are you? Duck and dodge, I want to make noodles, I want to eat dumplings!"
Luckily, there is a maid.
And just like that, it's another four years in the blink of an eye.
Four years later, Wei Qian did not expect that he would meet Wei Zhiyuan in that situation.